"I write so that my handful of pebbles, cast into still waters, will create a ripple."

Friday, March 16, 2012

Ten Tips for Marriage: Advice from the Maritally Seasoned

 Here's a few rules my sister and I made up one night while we were drinking wine. Sixty three years of marriage between us. We call them "Tips for Transitioning between Honeymoon and Honey-do."

1.        Tools are important to men.  When you borrow something from his tool chest, leave the tool drawer open so you’ll remember where to return it when you’re finished.

2.    Before you disturb anything, study the method he uses for storing his tools.  Know whether he sorts by order of earliest purchased, (FIFO), biggest-to-smallest (BIGO) or pile-on-the-workbench-and-search (SWEARO).
3.      A real man never borrows. If he plans to use a tool more than once he'll purchase the Professional Model with every attachment. No matter how much it costs, his argument is that “It’ll pay for itself in time.”
4.      It is a far graver thing you do by leaving his screwdriver on your kitchen counter than for him to forget it on the driveway so it punctures your tire when you run over it.

5.      When he offers to take over a chore, put it in contract form and try to get his signature notarized.  “Paper Trail” may seem like an ugly phrase now, but after the honeymoon, good intentions dry up faster than an open bottle of cinnamon body oil.
6.      Get him to landscape your yard before he signs up for a gym.  Try to convince him that a good push mower will work the same ab cluster as a rowing machine.  A shovel will substitute for a stairmaster.  Pulling weeds-two-three-four will stretch the calves.
7.      Before planting anything precious or expensive in your yard, observe his path and avoid those locations.  Men, cattle and deer make paths. Don’t try to change nature.

8.       He possesses the remote control as surely as you own your grandmother’s pearls.  He won’t expect to wear your jewelry, leave his remote alone.

9.      The toilet seat is the first to know you’re now married.  Till death do you part, the lid will stay up.  It’s the man’s trade-off for wearing a ring.

10.    A man’s memory is fail-proof. If he doesn’t remember making a mistake, then it's your fault. This rule moves up the list with each anniversary.
Bonus Hint: a married man keeps his dirty socks on the floor so they’re easier for you to find.

That’s my advice.  Now I have a question.  Could one of you young brides explain why all my honeymoon lingerie shrunk?   

 Got any to add to the list? Or rules for women? Thanks for commenting.